"Love is blind, but Marriage restores its sight." Georg Lichtenberg

Some of the content in this study is from T. D. Jakes book, "Before You Do."

INTRODUCTION: You alone are complete. God made each of us 100% complete. You don't need another person to complete you. Marriage is not 50-50 but 100-100. In Marriage, each person brings their completeness and joins it to one another. No one should marry because they feel needy, or feel incomplete. Your contentment, fulfillment and happiness cannot be dependent upon another person. Before you marry you are one, and after you marry you are still one. Marriage is not designed to make two, but to make two, one. Each person must be totally committed to the Marriage Covenant and fulfill their roles 100%. Marriage will never succeed where there is a weak commitment or where an independent spirit exists. A husband must love his wife as Christ loves the Church, lead her, provide for her completely and manage his household properly. A wife must honor and obey her husband and serve as his helper. This is God's pattern for success.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DATING AND COURTING: The motive of recreational dating is to have fun. A person will often date someone that they do not really know at all and have no intentions of eventually marrying. One of the goals of dating is to impress the one you're out with, usually for selfish reasons. Men try to charm their date and women try to entice. Dating is progressive by nature. Each person has their own personal standards as to what is appropriate interaction and what is not on a first date, second date, etc., but both parties hope that they will become more and more intimate as time passes. The problem with this is that there is no real commitment and the lives of those who date are littered with failed relationships and the pain that follows. By the time most people in America marry they have gone through a number of painful "divorces" without ever being legally married. They bring all this baggage from the past into their Marriage. The temptation to compare your new mate with those whom you were involved in before is extremely difficult to prevent. This can easily breed discontentment.

Many people are excellent daters. They have learned how to impress a date. But this is a "dating" behavior not a "marriage" behavior - it will not carry over into your relationship as mates.

COURTING is spending time getting to know a prospective mate. The goal of courting is not to have fun or impress the other person, but to gather information and analyze compatibility. It is not time set aside to flirt. People who date usually begin at high school age, and date without any thought of Marriage. People who Court do so because they are ready to marry and are specifically looking for a mate who is also ready. The Bible teaches that the Church is the future Bride of Jesus Christ, and that Jesus has gone to prepare a place for His Bride. Before a man can Court he must do as Jesus is doing,- prepare a place for his bride. This means he must have a suitable home ready and be financially able to provide for a wife and children.

The Apostle Paul teaches the Church that we are not to be joined with unbelievers who are outside the faith. Paul also taught that to be married to a man who did not provide for his family financially is actually worse than marrying an unbeliever, -"If a man does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." 1 Timothy 5:8

Prospective grooms should have a considerable amount of money set back when they begin to court. Financial stress is cited as one of the top reasons marriages fail. God knew this, which is why He instructed newly married Israelite men to stay home with their wives for the first year of their marriage. He was exempt from military service, from work and even from doing business. His sole purpose in that first year of marriage was to bring happiness to his new wife. (Deuteronomy 24:5)Since he was given no financial assistance from the nation, he must have diligently saved enough money and goods to live a year without need. God had ordained that the first year would be a time when the two would bond and become one, free from financial worries. 

How glorious it would be if our newlyweds could experience this today. I am sure that the divorce rate would change dramatically for the better. That certainly would be ideal, but we don't live in an ideal society today and I hold no real hope of people putting this instruction into practice today. Today, I counsel young men who have had steady employment for a few years to set back $3000 to $5000 before they begin Courting. $3000 if they own their own home and $5000 if not.

The first step in making life-changing decisions without regret is research. Research will give you the information you need to make good and sound decisions which you will never regret. The quality of your life and the lives of your children depend on you to get it right. Don't be risky and simply roll the dice in hope of success, but know what you are looking for in a life-long mate and do your research well. Courting offers the atmosphere to ask questions and get answers.

Your decisions set the course of your life. Your tomorrow will be no better than the decisions you make today. Good decision making results from a process of reflection and discernment. Good decisions are based on sound and accurate information. You cannot make a good decision by listening to your head only or your heart only; both must come into the equation when you make any significant decision. Think back on the regrets you now have and analyze the root causes.

Be careful making comparisons. Perhaps you had a relationship in the past with someone you now know was very self-centered and selfish, and now you meet someone who is very sweet and considerate and are totally impressed. But before you exalt this person to supreme sainthood you should continue your examination. Your research may reveal equally bad traits such as laziness, or that they are a workaholic. Do you want to marry a person who will not keep a job, or a person who spends all of their time working?

Perhaps they are thoughtful and are always giving you a gift, but further research my reveal that they have problems managing their finances. You love their taste in clothing but find that their house is always unkept. You like their choice in automobiles but will it drive you crazy that they don't keep their car clean? Don't compare people with people, but instead compare a potential mate to the vision of what you want and expect in a mate.

Analogy from "Before You Do" by T.D. Jakes, -When shopping for a home, you may consider the looks of the house and the neighborhood it is in. You may also consider how near it is to school. But a wise buyer will also carefully determine that it is a good financial investment that will increase in value over time. It is not enough to just like the house and the neighborhood. And it is not enough that it is a good investment. A wise buyer shops until he finds a good investment in a home he also likes. You should not commit to a home purchase that will bring you financial gain but little pleasure. And you should not commit to a home purchase that will bring you pleasure but no financial gain.

Likewise, you should never marry because you are looking for pleasure. And you should never marry for financial reasons. Momentary pleasures will fade with time and finances are extremely fickle and can change in the blink of an eye. Marriage should never be primarily based upon things or circumstances which can easily, and often do change. Unexpected things happen. The economy fluctuates and people lose their jobs. Sometimes a spouse gets injured or sick and can no longer hold a job. Like a sound investment in a new home, a good marriage will increase in value over time because it is not founded upon such loose sand. Momentary excitement and thrills will be replaced by deep commitment and a sense of oneness.

Deciding to enter into a committed relationship such as the Marriage Covenant is a decision that shouldn't be taken lightly. "Till death do us part" is a serious commitment. Before we enter into our personal research of a perspective mate, which we will call "Courting" for lack of a better name, we should think long and hard about the consequences -Jesus called this, "Counting the Costs." NoticeLuke 14:28-30, "For which one of you, when he wants to build a tower, does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who observe it begin to ridicule him, saying, 'This man began to build and was not able to finish.'"

Many of you reading this material have entered into the Marriage Covenant already and suffered through the agony of a divorce. In these cases it wasn't "Till death do us part" but instead until we can no longer live together in peace. Many want released from their Marriages because they are weary of the daily drama and seek peace. PEACE is a tremendously valuable commodity. When you join yourself to another person in Marriage it must not disturb the peace in the home. A mistake many make is failing to share in the responsibility of a failed Marriage. Playing the "blame game" is far too common. Everybody seems to minimize their own role in the failure while magnifying the role their spouse played. If each person does not carefully examine themselves and understand clearly where and how they contributed to the failure they are doomed to bring the same habits into a new relationship which will ultimately poison it.

50% of first Marriages fail, 67% of second Marriages fail and 73% of third Marriages fail.The statistics are no better in the Christian Church. The data reveals that instead of learning from their mistakes, most people repeat them. These numbers clearly show that most people entering into their first Marriage are only half committed, and the commitment to second and third Marriages are even less solid. We need to ask ourselves "WHY" so many failures? What is the real problem? Is it disrespect for the holiness of the Covenant itself? Is it personal selfishness? Is it ignorance about how day to day married life would be?

I think the real reason most Marriages fail can be understood in the term"SHATTERED EXPECTATIONS." Everyone will tell you that their Marriage and their spouse was not what they expected. For those who have suffered through failed Marriages, there should be earnest determination to find the answer to why their expectations were shattered. What did you base your expectations on? What caused you to be so blind about the person you joined yourself to? Thinking back, certainly you can see many "red flags" which should have served to warn you. Why didn't you see them then? Was your blindness self-induced because you valued momentary pleasure over a life-long commitment? Many marry out of desperation -the years pass and panic screams -"If I don't marry now I will spend the rest of my life alone!" When people act in desperation they overlook or push aside whatever it is that would, and should concern them about the person that are about to join themselves to. Living alone can be difficult but not nearly as stressful as living with an incompatible mate. Just ask someone who has lived through this and suffered shattered expectations which was followed by divorce.

The truth is, you didn't do your research. You probably dated instead courted. Dr. Jakes refers to the person you date as not the real person but their "representative." The representative's jobis to be all things to you - be bigger than life itself - just simply to be too good to be true. Therepresentative is not there to share truth and enlightenment about their honest feelings, but to project and deliver what they think you want to see and hear. They are trying their best to impress you, to charm you. The problem comes when the vows are exchanged. Soon, after the honeymoon, you find that the dating game is over and come to see that the person you married is not the representative and that their real self is a different person.

Why you do think that books are written explaining what men are looking for in a woman, or how women want to be treated - what sweet things they desire to be whispered in their ears? Men and women USE this material for their own selfish reasons and motives. They learn to act and say what they do, not because they are being honest and truthful, but in hope it will bring them personal gain. Men keep whispering sweet nothings because they work for short term gain. These things are not called "sweet nothings" for no reason. It means that they are not truly spoken from the heart from pure motives, but, though sound "sweet", really mean "nothing." Women smile and flirt, entice with their eyes all for the same sad reasons. Women dress "for the occasion." Ladies, you need to re-examine how you dress and not try to dress in ways that entice or even draw attention. Remember Paul's instruction, -"I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments, but rather by means of good works, as is proper for women making a claim to godliness." 1 Timothy 2:9-10

PLEASE DO NOT TRY TO SPEAK SWEET NOTHINGS OR ATTEMPT TO CHARM SOMEONE YOU ARE COURTING OR CONSIDER A POSSIBLE MATE. BE COMPLETELY OPEN AND HONEST ABOUT YOURSELF AND ABOUT THE THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO YOU. IT IS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE AS WELL AS THE ONE YOU ARE COURTING. PLEASE DON'T SET YOURSELF OR ANOTHER PERSON UP FOR SHATTERED EXPECTATIONS AND ENSUING FAILURE.

VITAL QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

Take the time to ponder these questions and write down your answers. Refresh your mind from time to time, and keep your conclusions clear in your thoughts. I know a man whose new wife really wanted a Ford Mustang -and he really wanted to buy her one. One day he asked me if I would buy one and finance it to him and I agreed to do that. I had sold them a nice Mazda 626 before but it was recently stolen from a parking lot and now they needed another second car. It was during this time I learned that they really wanted a Mustang then but had just settled for the Mazda.

One day I told him that I was going to an auto auction and would look for a Mustang for his wife, but to my surprise he began to add additional cars which would be acceptable. It ended up five different cars in all. When I questioned him about it he said that the only car they had was not running good and that he was getting a little desperate. So now he was about to repeat the same mistake as he had made before -settle for something less than what he and his wife really wanted. He would be making payments on a car he really didn't want, and his wife would be driving a car for years that she really didn't want.

Before I left for the auction, I prayed that God would provide a nice Mustang that I could buy for this young couple. There were about 700 automobiles at the auction that day, but the very first one that came through was a nice, shiny red Mustang. Not only did I win the bid, but I purchased it thousands of dollars under wholesale price. After I came home, before I even had a chance to call this young newlywed, she just happened to drive by my home and see the Mustang parked in my driveway. She was so excited when she called, saying -"Is that my Mustang!" When I said "Yes", she screamed, -"I'm so excited! I knew it was for me!" Know what you want and don't settle for anything less. Marriage is "Till death do us part."

1. What do you Expect in Marriage?

You need to have a crystal clear picture in your mind what you expect out of a Marriage. Is your vision of Marriage Scripturally sound? Are your expectations realistic? There is a vast difference between who we are versus how we habitually present ourselves. There is our ideal self, and then there is our real self. We may fall in love with the ideal but we marry the real. We all wish we had fewer bad traits and habits, and that we could consistently live up to our ideal self. Projecting our ideal can create expectations that counter the reality. When the ideal proves to be less than ideal and reality is revealed, resentment can easily set in. Sometimes it can even produce a sense of betrayal. Always remember, the number one killer of relationships is shattered expectations. Don't be deceived, don't deceive yourself and don't deceive a prospective mate.

How important is your family to you? Do you share a close personal relationship with your mother and father? Are you close to your brothers or sisters? How do you expect your new mate to get along with your parents and siblings? Will your Marriage make your family bigger with the new addition, or will it cause division and problems? Never mind whether it should or not, - will it? Will your parents and siblings accept your mate into the family? If not, then count the costs.

Will it eventually matter to you if your mate is overweight or out of shape? How do you envision raising children? Remember, your children will inherit traits from your mate, what traits are you looking for in a mate? Do you want a talkative husband? Do you want a quiet wife. How do you expect the house to be kept or the money to be spent? Do you want a primarily indoor or outdoor type of mate? I'm sure you can think of many more questions. Now, write down your honest expectations in a mate and of a Marriage. Be very careful to not write what you think you wouldsettle for, but be absolutely truthful and honest.

2. How do you envision day to day married life to be?

Some people are homebodies and some like to constantly be on the move. Some like to watch a lot of television, sports, movies, news, etc., and some like to sit for hours reading a good book. Some men expect their meals to be ready at a certain time and some are more flexible. Some like their homes kept clean and uncluttered and others are not so picky. Some wives expect their husbands to devote time each evening in conversation, while some men covet quiet time when they come home from work. Some believe in raising children more strictly than others -you must be on the same page on this subject. A united front is necessary to raise faithful children.

In the case where children are already present when marriage occurs even greater challenges arise. She is already in the habit of allowing or denying certain behaviors and when her new husband begins to bring in a different approach it produces serious problems. If you are the new husband in this case, you must ask yourself if you are up to the challenge of raising another man's children, and also possibly encountering difficulties with their natural father and even grandparents? If you are a unmarried parent you should ask yourself how bringing in a new spouse will affect your children. Since your attention will now be divided, will your children feel deprived of love? With Marriage comes commitment and obligation. You are no longer free to do whatever you want whenever you want. With Marriage comes less individual freedom - can you gladly accept that? There is nothing more important than peace in the home so you should carefully analyze how a new marriage will affect peace in your home.

3. How do you feel about having children?

Some want a large family and some want no children at all. Some people are naturally comfortable with children and some are not. Some people are comfortable playing with children on their own level but at not so good at teaching and discipline. Raising children presents many challenges which must be met with one united goal. The Christian goal is to raise godly children in the admonition and instruction of the Lord as revealed in the Bible. Both parents must be spiritually sound and faithful to accomplish this goal. Ask yourself what kind of mother/father you want your children to have and don't join yourself to someone who falls short of your answer.

4. How do you handle disagreements and disappointments?

Is it your habit to react in anger? Perhaps you are one of those who suppress your feelings while putting on your best face. Do you have a habit of reacting defensively? Perhaps you just clam-up when an altercation comes your way. Do you tend to throw your own pity party? Are you so insecure that you read into every statement or action as though they had much deeper and more sinister meanings? How we handle disagreements and disappoints can severely damage any relationship. If you are like so many and struggle with these emotions and their responses, you need to face them and correct them before you enter into Marriage.

It is extremely important to honestly examine how you have handled like situations in the past and accurately assess the results. Remember the old saying which is truthful indeed,- "He who does not learn from his mistakes is doomed to repeat them." Our bitter words spoken in unrighteous anger forever stain and scar our relationships. If you have acted or reacted in ways which poisoned former relationships, you must change before you bring those destructive traits into another relationship.

5. What is your financial status?

Are you in debt? Is your prospective mate in debt? What is your credit rating? Does your prospective mate have good credit? Do you qualify for a loan? Does your prospective mate qualify for a loan? If not, then why? You need to ask these questions and receive honest answers. Do you have a steady job with a good income? Does your perspective mate have a steady job with a good income? Does he own his own home? Remember, bad credit is usually a result of bad financial management. A husband's job is to manage his household so it is important for women to avoid courting a man who has not proven that he can faithfully manage. Jesus said that the person who is unfaithful in the little things will not be faithful in the bigger things. You do not want to entrust your life or the life of your children to a man who has been unfaithful in paying his debts. Every loan carries a commitment to faithfully pay back a debt on time; if a man fails to uphold a commitment such as this, how can you trust him to be faithful to the commitment of Marriage and all it involves?

A few years back I counseled a young couple who were considering engagement. The young man was sharing an apartment with another man and could not afford his own apartment. He had no college degree and his employment history was littered with failed opportunities. He was also in debt to the tune of about $2000. The young woman was in college and had worked steady for years, but her income was low and she had acquired some credit card debt. I suggested that they work to get debt-free and for him to get a steady job and his own apartment. Within a few months she had sacrificed and paid her way completely out of debt while he had added another $1000 to his debt and was still without his own apartment.

To my surprise, about $600 of the new debt was a ring he had purchased for her. I told him how wonderful it was going to be as he and his new bride watched how the beautiful new ring reflected the car lights as they lived homeless under the overpass. "Isn't it beautiful honey? Can you pass me another sheet of cardboard, I'm getting a little cold?" He was more interested in impressing her with a gift than for providing her a home. He was living for a fleeting moment rather than working to provide something with lasting value. Of course a gift like a beautiful ring is romantic, but it pales in comparison to working to provide a financially stable home for his future bride and future children.

How the finances are managed and spent in a household is very important to everyone involved. Statistics show that disagreements on how money is spent is one of the main reasons sited for divorce. It is a common saying that people should live within their means, but the truth is, we should live below our means so that we have money set back for the unexpected. Unforseen expenses sometimes suddenly appear, and how often have you wished you had the funds to help a friend in need but didn't have it to give. We should live such a live that we can weather financial storms and be a help to others in their time of need.

6. Will you submit to Godly authority in the home?

God has a specific plan for the institution of Marriage. Both man and woman have important roles to fulfill. Ladies, the man you join yourself to will be your head. He will lead you and your children. God expects you to honor and obey him until death. You have no authority to question him or argue over the decisions he makes. Marriage is not a 50-50 proposition, it is a 100-100 proposition. God has placed the husband as 100% head over the wife and has commanded the wife to be his helper. You need to count the costs before you say "I do." You need to understand fully what it means to say "I do."

Men, you may feel uncomfortable in always taking the lead. You may feel like your wife is more experienced or smarter than you, but God has placed you as her head, and He will hold you accountable. Can you love a wife more than you love yourself? This is how Christ loves the Church. Jesus gave His life for the Church and commands husbands to love their wives as He loves the Church. The Marriage Covenant is holy and has been instituted by God; do not enter into it if you are unwilling to live up to your vows.

7. How do you envision you relationship twenty years from now?

When the children are on their own -when the lustre of youth has faded -what do you envision day to day life together to be like? Will you need to take on the demanding task of caring for parent whose health is failing? If so, how will that affect the quality of the Marriage? Consider the possibility of one of you becoming a physical burden. Many envision their golden years as being a time of adventure and travel, but certain circumstances can make that an impossibility. Marriage is for better or worse, until death do you part. The person you join yourself to will likely be the person who you stand beside as you bury your father and mother. Think about these things, re-read this paper and carefully analyze if you really want to enter into courting, engagement and Marriage. If you decide you want Marriage, then do your research well and be honest and expect honestly from your possible mate as you gather the necessary information to make a wise decision.

Jesus is Lord. Blessed be His Name!